I felt strange waking up to a world with no Robin Williams.
Strange in the sense that I felt… off. Slightly unbalanced.
I left my phone at home when taking Bee to daycare.
I crossed to the wrong side of the street, twice.
Got on the wrong subway.
Forgot to put on deodorant.
I’ve been lost in thought since hearing the news.
I wouldn’t say I was a huge fan of his. I definitely appreciated his talent; I enjoyed countless numbers of his films. I always liked watching him in interviews, his unpredictability always kept me on my toes, “what’s he going to do/say next??”
But it was this unpredictability though that also disturbed me, slightly. It was common knowledge amongst people who read celebrity news that he struggled with depression and addiction. So when watching him, watching all that manic and sweat on television, I often wondered if it was one of those demons driving his actions….
Depression is an unpredictable and scary thing. Addiction too, I’m sure. But what I know about, what I can speak of, is depression.
After Bee’s birth, I struggled from postpartum depression.
“Struggled,” past tense. No.
Since Bee’s birth, I have been struggling with postpartum depression.
I’ve become pretty good at hiding it from people outside my close “circle”… meaning basically, anyone other than my husband (my circle is pretty small these days).
It’s a selfish thing, depression. But an uncontrollable selfishness – until you’re ready to admit the darkness is there, you can’t really help it.
Once I admitted there was a problem and started to step back out into the light, I began to realize just how selfish a disease it is. My incredible husband – who had been taking the brunt of all my pain – helped me, guided me, stayed with me… he let me do all the things I needed to do until I was able to call out for help. He knew I would get there eventually, but through all the hard times… he saw me at my worst. And had to deal with it on his own. Had to process that he had a wife who was going through this awfulness, and had to wait it out until I was ready.
Ready to start to try and come back.
It’s been a process, that’s for sure. With the help of professionals and various therapeutic techniques – techniques I can utilize after Pelé arrives – I feel a lot more like myself than I have in many, many months.
Thankfully – luckily – I never had any thoughts of harming Bee. Even in my deepest, darkest hours, it never crossed my mind to punish her in any way.
But in those hours, when things are bleak and your body is numb and raging all at once, that’s when the scary, unpredictable thoughts creep in. Thoughts of harming myself. Of wondering if everyone would just be better off if I just wasn’t around….
I don’t have those thoughts anymore. They’re all gone, with most of the darkness – but like I said, it’s a process.
Today, I was lost in the thought that he felt he couldn’t go any further. He had to end the pain and the fear. And I’m consumed by the thought that his poor family, who watched him struggle and suffer and bounce in and out of those dark hours for years, don’t have him to laugh with anymore.
The world doesn’t have him to laugh with anymore.
I just… feel so sad. Sad that he ended it all.
I didn’t know what to do today, to shake these thoughts from my mind. So, I did what I normally do when I need to refocus: I did shit. I just did shit around the house that needed to be done, that I found worth in and that made me smile.
I washed a whole bunch of baby clothes and folded them nicely, now ready to be put in the IKEA dresser (once it’s built…eeep).
I did a bit of rearranging, and felt really good about it all.
I listened to music and sang and danced around, and slowly, all the thoughts – Robin Williams, depression, darkness, sadness – left my mind.
But… Robin Williams is gone.
This horrible, killer of a disease took him. From his family, his friends, his fans.
I hope, more than anything, that his family can find solace somehow in knowing his pain, his struggles, his demons are gone. And that they can go forward, not thinking about the times they had to watch him suffer, but basking in the laughter and love he brought to them and millions of people around the world.
And I pray to all the Gods that he is at peace where he is.
And tonight, as Bee sleeps soundly, I’m going to revel in my peace, too.
…and probably eat a cookie or two.